Day 4 (2nd April)

Alex: Day 4

I think it can be fairly accepted that I eat oatcakes with Venison Paté for lunch, as I’ve discovered that I actually like them, so I won’t go into to much detail except to say that I fear the day I run out of Venison Paté.

For my evening meal, I decided make a change from my normal meals and actually attempt cookery…

Gammon Steaks (dry fried)

1. Put Gammon steaks into a hot, and very non-stick frying pan
2. Fry for a bit, until the meat has changed to a kinda whitish shade
3. Smear on some Rowan Jelly as an attempt at flavour
4. Consume

These were very salty, but the rowan offset it somewhat. All in all pretty nice.

Plain Vegetable Soup

1. Cut up the following: Carrots, Swede, Potatoes, Turnips
2. Bring to the boil
3. Simmer for a further 25 minutes
4. Add some ripped up cabbage and spinach
5. Add salt and pepper
6. Simmer (lower the heat so that it’s nearly, but not quite, boiling) for another 10 minutes
7. Mash up with one of those big metal spoons with holes in
8. Consume

On my first try of this soup, it was pretty much my nightmare of vegetarian fayre, it had some flavour, but not much, and I longed for some meat, herbs or sauces. However, after leaving half of it in a sealed pan overnight then re-heating it, the carrots and swede had added considerably more of their flavour, and the soup tasted much better.

As such, I’m amending the recipe to:

7. Leave overnight
8. Reheat, and consume in the morning, whilst under the effect of a mild hangover.

The mild hangover, or Cairn o’ Mohr Bramble wine

My friend Suzi invited me over to the pub that evening to do a pub quiz. Now, as you may be aware, we’re only allowed to drink two types of alcoholic drink, Fraoch, and Cairn o’ Mohr fruit wine. So far I’d found it completely impossible to source the wine, despite many outings to local beer and wine stores. I’d heard that the Auld Hoose did both drinks, but I decided to actually do some research so that I didn’t end up on water all night.

The pub confirmed that they did have the wine, but not the beer, so I got out £10 and headed for the pub.

What can I say about the wine? My decidedly novice wine tasting skills told me that it had a very rich fruity flavour with distinct hints of blackberries, and a slightly overstrong bitter edge to it. I quite liked it, although I must admit that I prefer normal red wine.

I’ve always found that fruit wine has the strange tendency to make you think you’re drinking fruit juice, so you drink it too fast. As a result of this, halfway through the pub quiz I was already swaying slightly, and I came up with “Jakarta” and “Jamaica” as countries with the vowel ‘a’ and no other vowels in their name. I had a mild hangover this morning.

Ah, how I long for Carlsberg.

Paul: The Fief Diet [sic]

Here are some of the things that have happened, or not happened, this week:

1. I seem to have spent my entire time at work recommending restaurants to guests. Restaurants, I should add, that I’m not allowed to eat at.
2. Can’t go to the pub, can’t go out for dinner.
3. No coffee in the morning, no valerian at night.

4. Jehane: “Let’s go to Oloroso and have cocktails!”
   Yr. corresp.: “Can’t.”
   Jehane: “…Oh.”

5. Can’t grab a sandwich while I’m out.
6. Can’t think “fuck it” and just get a takeaway this evening.

I’m eating somewhat less than usual and having trouble climbing hills and stairs. Last night I fell asleep in my clothes. Without sugar I’m cranky and irritable—I’m forming a theory on why Mike Small always seems so angry and poorly-spelled on his Fife Diet blog.

Yesterday was hectic: I had a fam trip around Edinburgh all day, as a result of which I had my one permitted non-Diet business lunch. I went a bit mad on chicken curry with chips and rice and a chocolate crispie for dessert. The other guy who had a crispie was trying to convince me that they were unacceptably chewy, but I wasn’t complaining. Then I had a market research meeting in the evening.

In between the two appointments I had to do something about dinner. I slapped a venison casserole into the slow cooker with some potatoes and a carrot and a parsnip. Plenty of stock, a little jellied venison stock for luck, and sloshed in a bit of Bouvrage. Ordinarily I have to be in the right mood for venison, but this week I don’t have a lot of choice. Then off to debate the finer points of spring water bottle designs for two hours.

At the meeting I asked for water and was given Volvic. It’s not from Fife, but I’m refuse to turn into that guy who sends stuff back because it’s Not Local Enough, so I drank it.

Back home to a deliciously slow-roasted venison casserole. Only, not.

The potatoes were rock-hard, so I left it in the slow cooker for another hour. Still underdone. Doled out a portion and cooked the fuck out of it in a pan. Still underdone. Microwaved it. Still underdone. Fuck it, I have to eat something, so I added some pureed raspberries (should be redcurrants, but I don’t have any of those), steamed some spinach, and got on with it.

Looks good, huh? Wasn’t.

The venison was lovely and tender, and the sauce was a meal in itself. The vegetables, though, were crunchy and raw. The raspberries just added seeds to an already disastrous combination of textures: on the other hand, towards the bottom of the bowl, the extra flavour was quite welcome.

Under normal circumstances, I would have given up about four paragraphs back, got a takeaway, and left the slow cooker on overnight in the hope of rescuing it tomorrow. I don’t have that sort of freedom on the Fife Diet, and I was hungry.

Today is Leftovers Day. Porridge for breakfast (chewy, again), soup with gammon for lunch, and more casserole tonight. I’m hoping the extra cooking has redeemed it, but I’m not hopeful.

Alex: Day 5 evening

Today I tried something truly ambitious, and with moderate success.

Pork & Leek Burger / Potato and Kale Croquette Hybrid

1. Boil some potatoes chopped up small for 25 minutes
2. 15 minutes in, steam some kale over the potatoes
3. Also 15 minutes in, fry 500g of pork mince with half a large leek
4. After the potatoes are done, drain out the water, and mash together with the kale
5. Add the mixture together, stir around for a bit
6. At this stage you should add some seasoning, preferably Tabasco sauce. When I say should, I mean that I’m not allowed, which made this dish taste far more like potatoes and far less like Tabasco sauce than was to my liking. Anyway, in the absence of Tabasco sauce, add salt and pepper, this won’t improve the flavour of the potatoes much, but it’s something. I also added the last of the Venison paté as I was desperate for some flavour.
7. Remove the mixture from the pan.
8. Shape into patties with your hands
9. Fry until golden brown on the outside (about 4 minutes each side)
10. Consume

In this dish, I actually managed to make something slightly tastier than the raw ingredients that it was made of. It was quite nice, and not that bland. I must admit to being dubious about the whole spice restriction thing.

I’d kill for a can of Coca Cola right now.

Only two more days…